Bliss–en–scène...

Don't worry, smile and dance
You just can't work life out
Don't let down moods entrance you
Take the wine and shout...
Pete Townshend
Empty Glass
Empty Glass

The venue for the 5th Annual Bootlegger's Bliss is a done deal.  Email with full disclosure (see excerpt below, redacted to protect the guilty and modified slightly for higher entertainment value) has gone out to all the interested parties whose email addies are in my virtual possession.

If you didn't get an email and have the temerity to read this blog with great disinterest and a snide smirk on your chapped lips simply because there is nothing better to do in your pre-planned, ghost-scripted, over-before-it's-biologically-over life, well, get hold of someone who did get the email and show your ass up on the date of this ungodly (unGodly?) Feast of the Immaculate Flocculation, held annually in homage to the sacred yeast-beast,  Saccharomyces Cerevisiae (with a lesser tip-o'-the-Triregnum to sister Saccharomyces Uvarum), that rules the avenues of escape from this work-weary world.

Ah, the Bliss, that personally famous, uber-unique, beer-and-bike extravaganza where the best of two of the best demi-worlds come together with all the excitement, explosive transcendence, and general dissociative euphoria normally reserved for those moments when the corpuscles of Krause have entered the "phase of frenzy" (yeah, it's a sexual reference; look it up already).  It's all about freeing yourself from the shackles of co-opting commerce and the increasingly surreal work-a-day world that steals the visceral and leaves in its place a claptrap chimera that withers under even the most fleeting of gazes. And really, who wants that?

Miss the Bliss and suddenly life seems a tad more tarnished than it did yesterday, a bit more boring, a trifle more tiresome, a dash more dreary.  You've been warned...

Greetings, fellow Bootleggers,


You are receiving this email because either a) you have expressed exceptional taste by evincing an interest in attending the 5th Annual Bootlegger's Bliss, b) I like you and thought you might be interested in this vital metabolically-powered social event, or c) I simply screwed up and you're the random beneficiary, lucky you.  Regardless, PLEASE READ WHAT FOLLOWS IN ITS ENTIRETY.  Amid the clever gems of humor (key word) herein reside important flecks of information designed to help you make the most of your participation.  Yes, it's a wee bit long, but I promise it won't make your brain hurt.  Okay, here goes nothing...


As you know, this year's event takes place at (redacted) in (redacted). Here are the remaining details plus a few reminders so that everyone knows what to expect.


DATE: Satyrday, November 6th.



START TIME: 10:30 a.m. This relatively late start time is to accomodate those with children and the less responsbile sots who overdrank the night before.


VENUE: (Redacted) Please carpool if possible, cuz to 'pool is cool. For directions, plug the addy above into Google Maps, then use the attached map file of the (redacted) area once you arrive at the park proper to make your way to the specific site. Which brings us to...


SITE: (Redacted) This is a covered pavilion that accomodates up to 100 guests--plenty of room.


CONTACT NUMBER: (Redacted) That's me.


TRAIL DESCRIPTION: Length has not been determined yet, but I have my boy Baler on it even as you read this...good thing he works for cheap beer. At any rate, expect a ten- to twelve-mile loop with bailout options. A great mix of almost everything that makes mountain biking desirable: single- and double-track, climbs, descents, logs, roots, more logs, rocks, potential shallow stream crossings, the occasional wayward white cardboard box, broken bones. Single-speed friendly. Newbie friendly, because you can always walk your bike, yeah?


POST-RIDE ACTIVITES: Drinking homebrew, eating homemade food, socializing, engaging in a wheel-folding, bike-breaking ass-fault derby, and possibly trying your hand (the one not holding a beer) at some table-top trialsin' (or at least watching it all) Anything else is between you and the other consenting adult(s).


WHAT TO BRING:
1. Homebrew; a six-pack or equivalent (if you're the guest of a homebrewer, make sure your chaperone brings extra beer to compensate).


2. A homemade dish (food!) and the means to heat it if necessary – something warm and tasty and creative; enough to share (if you're a guest who is not bringing homebrew, here's your chance to shine). I'm pretty sure that electrical outlets will be available and operational--if you plan to use electricity, let me know and I will confirm for you.


3. A bike suitable for riding off-road that will deliver your ass safely to the post-ride potlatch picnic; preferably one you don't mind beating up a little in the post-feast derby...you know, something like a Jones Spaceframe. Single speeds and fixed gears rule, but unicycles absolutely fuckin' DOMINATE!


4. $(Redacted). This is a PER VEHICLE charge because it's late in the season.


5. A good attitude. Leave all your heavy angst behind, preferably at work. If it comes with you, lose it on the trail. Also, drink as much as you want, but please remember to stop early enough to sober up for the drive home or make appropriate arrangements up front to have someone sober do the driving at the end of the day. Killing someone you don't know and who you wouldn't normally (when sober) choose to kill, especially by running them down with several tons of steel, is a horrible thing. This is serious shit.


6. A criminal mentality. I cannot overemphasize the importance of this. If you don't understand what I mean here, be patient. It'll hit you like a thunderous peristaltic epiphany after a little post-Bliss reflection in the days that follow.


7. A camera to take pictures of me and all the mishaps and mysterious malfunctions.


8. Members of your direct family, including kids and pets. I'll try to keep the f-bombs to a minimum.


WHAT TO LEAVE AT HOME:
1. Commercially produced beer, however "micro" in origin. This is all about homebrew. I will personally urinate on the tires of anyone who dares bring commercial beer to the event. Repeatedly. And with pants in the fully dropped position. The Bliss is a DIY-themed potlatch; the Y in DIY stands for You, not Yuengling.


2. Commercially prepared food. The Bliss is a DIY-themed potlatch; the Y in DIY means You, not Yum! Brands, Inc.


RAIN DATE: Undetermined. If it rains in the days BEFORE the event, I'll make a decision and communicate it via email. If it rains the day OF the event, well, a little rain and we ride; a lot of rain and we eat, drink, and be merry, to include a deluge derby and thunder-tympani trials extravaganza.


DISCLAIMER 1: Mountain biking is inherently dangerous! Ride at your own risk. According to the Surgeon General, women should not drinkalcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects. Also, consumption of alcoholic beverages your ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and may cause serious health problems, delusions of self-worth and self-image, pathetic pawing of others whom you feel attracted to but would otherwise leave unmolested when sober, Bukowski-like introspection, and& a host of other wonderfully lurid things that give small-minded people something to gossip about. Oh, and drinking and driving blows. Seriously.



DISCLAIMER 2: The Bliss is a DIY type of event. As such, it is subject to change based on a variety of conditions, including, but not limited to, foreseen and unforeseen circumstances, quixotic whims, quaint caprice, poor planning, the wrath of Lady Nature, explosive bouts of diarrhea, spontaneous and not so spontaneous priapism, hebephrenic episodes, the will of the (redacted) National Park Service or other intervening "authority," and the ever unfathomable mood of some ill-defined higher power who never seems to rise much above the collective disposition and personality traits of his/her/its followers and who may or may not decide to mess with us on the day in question, to name but a few. Thus, we may have to improvise.  I like it that way.


That's it! Oh, except to remind you that the Bliss is a semi-underground event that should not be discussed with the kinds of people who might not be so happy with the whole concept. While in the past I have deliberately included an element of appropriation (because I'm cheap and because, frankly, stolen pie tastes better), this year I went and screwed up and made it all legit with the Park Authority. That's right, I sold out. The possibility that each of us might be hit with a (redacted) open container fine if discovered was the deciding factor; if it happened, it would dampen the spirit of the event. So, this year, we are legit. This was a tough decision on my part, believe me. That said, being legit does not mean bring on the fascists, so I'd still like to keep this on the down low all the same. Capiche?


Stay tuned to www.wrenchinthegears.blogspot.com for further details and updates, and because I need an audience of my peers to bolster my fading self-esteem.


Looking forward to seeing you there, drinking your beer, eating your food, and taco-ing your wheel.